If you suspect your spouse is having an affair, there are right ways to handle this and there are wrong ways to do things. The wrong things can ruin your future and the possibility of staying together in numerous ways.

What to do if Your Spouse is Having an Affair

What should you do if you find out your spouse is having an affair. First of all, you need to be fairly certain they are having an affair, you can’t just start accusing because you suspect, you need more proof than that. There are signs of an affair you should look for.

Do not accuse your spouse, or even ask them any questions concerning this until you have a considerable amount of proof of an affair. If you were to just see something odd on their email account or cell phone, don’t just ask them what and or who this is about. Usually if someone is having an affair and they are asked or accused at the slightest bit of evidence, they will lie out of it, gaslight and explain it away. Usually making you feel like you are the wrong one for even suspecting they could do something like, and they will hide things better. Which makes finder out the real truth of an affair that much harder.

Proof to Look for of an Affair

There are many things that you can look for to give you proof, the first thing is your gut feeling. Is something not feeling right? Is your spouse acting differently towards you or her job or certain people? You just need to pay closer attention.

• Coming home late on a consistent basis. Or taking far too long for simple errands.
• Saying they have to work late and this never shows up on their paycheck.
• Using the cell phone privately, if you can check the phone privately, look for a certain number or numbers that are called a lot and at odd hours.
• Look in their car for odd items, condoms or receipts to motels.
• Check the phone bills, especially cell phone bills. You can check these online many times and get a record of all numbers called and received.
• Do they travel a lot on business, which many people do nowadays, look in their overnight bags for anything really unusual.
• Look around for business cards that probably aren’t part of their work.
• Check the computer’s history, look for dating web sites, check emails.

How to Confront Your Spouse about an Affair

When you have enough proof, of an affair, that is the time to confront your spouse and ask them what is going on.

Be prepared for all kinds of different things. Some spouses will break down and admit everything. Some spouses will deny and lie and gaslight and do what is called blame shifting, turning everything around on you like its your fault.

Many spouses who do admit that they did do something wrong with someone, usually don’t tell the entire truth at first, this is called the trickle truth. Over time and after asking many questions, more and more truths come out. And the word affair seems so bad, even using the word can shut down your spouse.

When you confront and ask your spouse about the suspicious things you find, try and do this calmly. This might sound odd, but you have to make it safe for your spouse to be totally honest with you, what this means is that every time your spouse admits something, don’t blow up at everything, don’t call your spouse all kind of names, and don’t threaten divorce at every truth they admit to you, these things could make your spouse not answer any of your questions.

Any question you ask your spouse about their affair, make sure you really want to know the truthful answer before you ask. It is also important to know that it is up to you, not your spouse to dictate what answers you do need to know and what you don’t need to know.

Sometimes it is better if you write down your questions and your spouse answers them on paper. It might feel better for you if you asked your questions in front of a qualified therapist, by qualified, find one that is trained in infidelity.

Any therapist or spouse that says to you anything like, lets forget this and move on, or you don’t need to know the whole truth, anything that resembles sweeping it under the carpet is wrong and most likely will lead to more lying and more affairs.

If the original feelings and problems that lead to the affair in the first place aren’t discussed and fixed, then why not have more affairs. Many times after affairs, relationships become stronger then ever before, usually this is because for many, honest communications occur. 

Take Care of Yourself

The discovery of an affair is emotionally draining. Your moods will swing between shock, despair, depression and extreme anger. At this time you need to really take care of yourself. Don’t drink alcohol, first that could make you far too angry, it can make you do things that are too rash, make decisions that need to be made clear headed. And the hangover will make you much more depressed.

Try and sleep, eat good, take vitamins and exercise can help the stress. 

Recommended books to read.

• Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
• After The Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring
• Many more books on the subject at your library or Amazon

A very helpful website for both spouses at this time:

Surviving Infidelity

Sam Montana © 25 November 2008