I know who you are. I know the pain you’re going through right now. You fiancé has told you that to make your wedding absolutely, fairytale perfect, you both need to write your own vows. You, never wanting to piss off a bride-to-be, agreed that it would be the most romantic and bonding thing that the two of you could do.

It’s now the night before the wedding or, perhaps, it’s the day of. You have a blank sheet of paper in front of you. You hold a pen in your sweaty, clammy hands but you just can’t seem to get the pen to touch the paper.

Here is my humble gift to you. I found myself in the same situation not very long ago and I came out smelling like roses. For the low, low cost of $0, I want you to steal my vows. They’re simple, to the point and they work. All you need to do is sub in your name and the name of your fiancé and possibly change up a few of lines if need be. I’ve added in some false names to protect the innocent. Please, be sure to change the names before you’re standing at the altar!

Of course, you most likely will need to explain to your wife (she will be your wife by this time) how you came up with the vows. I’ve added some notes in italics below each line.

I, Homer Simpson, love you, Megan Fox, with all my heart.

Look her straight in the eye and do not waver. This is the line that if said properly will take all the pressure off of you.

I will always be beside you as we meet all of life’s challenges.

You are beside her. Very important in this day and age. You are not supporting her or taking care of her. You are a team of equals ready to take on the world.

Together, there is nothing beyond our limits.

You will not always live in a trailer park and drive a 1992 Civic. That’s a little bit of an extreme example but this line says that you will do your best, in co-operation with the love of your life, to live an uncompromising life together.

Together, we can move mountains and part the seas.

This line symbolized all the ‘mountains and seas’ we had to overcome to pull off our wedding. It was proof that we could, indeed, do the impossible. 

You make my life complete and I will love you for all eternity.

The ‘make my life complete’ part is just a pop-culture phrase that all women gush over in the movies. The ‘love you for all eternity’ actually takes some thought. Normally, ‘til death do us part’ is said at this time. If not that, it’s something to do with the relationship ending with the death of our human, earthbound body. This line simply states to your loved one that if there is another level after death, then you are committed to being by her side at that time as well.

Remember to speak slow and clear. Pause between each line. Always maintain eye contact. This should make you a hero on your wedding day. That is, if you don’t forget the ring!