As unpleasant as it is, death is a normal part of life. When a young child has one of their parents die it can be a life changing event. How the death of a child's parent is handled can shape how that child accepts, and understands, death of that parent. This information is primarily directed at children aged 3 and into their teenage years.

Although primarily written to the surviving parent, this information applies to anyone dealing with a child who has recently lost a parent.

If the Death is Expected

If the death of a child's parent is expected the child should be made aware of it. Some people simply put off talking to the child, which is unfair. The child will know something is going on, but not sure what. Talk to the child in age appropriate, but honest, terms. Death is death, it is not “going to a better place”, a child might think you are referring to Disneyland. Heaven is a concept young children do not understand, and sends confusing messages, if you are a religious person and believe heaven to be a wonderful place, why would you be sad that a person is going there? These concepts can be introduced later, if at all.

The child should be told that their parent is sick, or injured (or whatever the case may be) and probably will not live. If the child has experienced the death of a pet, or other person, they will at least have some understanding of death. They should be told that death means the person will not be coming home, nor will the child be able to see them after they are gone, but that the child will always remember them, and can have pictures.

The child should be allowed to ask questions, even to the doctors if they wish, and should be allowed to see the dying parent if possible, and if they desire. If the parent is in hospital with tubes, and machines, this may frighten the child, so prior to seeing their parent this way they should be prepared. Some hospitals have books for children going through watching a loved one pass away. No matter how bad the dying parent may appear, it should be the child's decision if they want to see their parent or not. Some people will not allow their child to see this stage of life, but it takes away the child's last opportunity to say “I love you”.

If the Death was Unexpected

If the parent passed away suddenly, and unexpectedly, then you will be in shock too, but you cannot overlook letting the child know. Be open, but not angry, explain what happened in honest terms. If you do not know the answer simple tell the child you do not know, but make sure you remember later to address their questions or later in life they may have an unresolved misunderstanding about what occurred.

If Divorced or Separated

This is the time to bury the hatchet.  The child should be talked to in a comforting tone, noting that they have lost a parent.  Your feelings for that person should be put aside.  The child needs to hear about the death from you before any other, and be allowed to talk about it without you adding any negative feelings you have, or may have had, for that person.  If you are unable to talk this way about the deceased parent, have another party step in and do so immediately.

Dealing with the Body

Your child will be curious as to what is happening with their parents body. You need to be honest, if it is being cremated tell them what cremated means, for most kids this is a puzzling word. If the body is to be buried, let the child know that the body is in a casket, and deep underground. If there is a viewing opportunity it is better to allow the child to decide if they want to view the body or not. Again allowing the child to view the body allows them to say “I love you” and “good bye”.

Years Later Make Sure the Child Understands

My first husband died when our child was five years old. Although she seemed to understand what was going on at the time, it was only recently that I realized this was not the case. Under doctors advisement I had allowed disconnection of life support. As a teenager my daughter said something about how the doctors killed her dad, showing that in her young mind she processed what was going on differently, or simply remembered it differently. Allowing somebody to die, is not the same as “killing them”. Had I reviewed this earlier perhaps my daughter would not be so afraid of doctors as she is now.

Another parent told a story of their young cousin whose father died when he was seven or eight, but the child was largely kept out of what was going on. It was months, or even a year later when the boy asked at the dinner table “When is daddy coming home?”.

You can see from the two true examples that dealing with parental death is not a one time thing. Children understand, but not perfectly, so it is a good idea to review the facts when a situation might come up allowing us to do so.