12 Steps To Reconciliation
The level of damage caused by both parties must be taken into account when reconciliation is being considered. Each party has experienced pain, loss, and a multitude of other emotions. Some wounds can heal quickly; however, it will take much needed time regardless of the size of the injury.
12 Steps To Reconciliation:
1. Respect - Respect one another when it comes to emotions, feelings, and personal space. You will both need time to heal, however, do not put too much distance. Distance when a relationship is already struggling can make the reconciliation process even more complicated.
2. Communication - Communicate about everything, and withhold nothing. If you truly want to make it work you must lay all of the cards on the table. Honesty is huge in this step of communication, refraining from being honest; will only do more damage. Do not lie, and this means lies by omission.
3. Attraction - Figure out what it was that attracted you to each other in the first place, and zoom in on it. It is what initially attracts us to another person that we often lose sight of as the relationship matures. Naturally, we take one another for granted. Find their most admirable traits and praise him/her for those. Next, pinpoint what they have always admired most about you and let it be seen again.
4. Grow Together - Attend a marriage seminar or couples retreat. There are plenty across the country and likely one in your area. These rallies are great ways to open up lines of communication. Utilizing these resources will aid in getting to the root of the problem with the relationship and you will leave a stronger couple.
5. Timeline - Once you put everything on a timeline, it is easier to see where the cycle began. It will also be easier to prevent it from occurring again because the symptoms will be more noticeable in the future. It took both people to get the relationship to the point it did, and it will take both people putting forth effort to fix it. However, it can only be fixed if we figure out where it's broken.
6. Apologize - If you were the one that did wrong you should be eating, sleeping, and breathing the words I’m sorry. However, words aren’t everything. Your actions will speak much louder. Be genuine during this process. If not, you will be right back to square one.
7. Be At Your Best - Let them see you at your best. Don’t mope around allowing yourself to slip into depression. Reinvent yourself. Become interesting again. Make them wonder what they are missing. By creating the life you had always dreamed of your ex partner will see a happier you. And who doesn't want to be around happy people who are at peace and are secure with themselves?
8. Leave Kids Out - If you have children, do not use them to bargain. Do not even let them know that reconciliation is something you are considering. They can see you interacting in a civil manner as adults, however, until reconciliation is guaranteed you must leave them out of it. The kids do not need the stress, or false hope. They have endured enough.
9. Share Memories - Send a random text when you are driving past that place that is special to the two of you. By doing this you are not only reminding him/her of something that was good in the relationship, but you are also tapping into his/her subconscious mind. This will allow him/her to think more on the matter, whether it is voiced to you or not.
10. Be Vulnerable - Don’t be afraid to show your vulnerable side once in a while. Tell him/her exactly how you feel. Doing this in doses seems to work best. Sometimes if you lay it on thick all the time, it will have the opposite affect and push them further away. Tell them how you feel, then back off if they aren’t ready to hear your feelings. Be patient. You may have to do this for months or possibly years, reminding them occasionally that you are still there, and do indeed still love him/her. Sometimes one will remain in “victim” mode for a very long time. When they are in victim mode, they can’t grasp much of what you say. You are that nagging ex! So tread lightly during this step.
11. Fix yourself - When a marriage or a relationship ends it is because two people are broken. Now is a good time for personal counseling if couples counseling is not an option. Dig deep, read a lot of self-help books, and learn everything you have forgotten or have never known about yourself. Many deep seeded issues in relationships stem back to both parties childhood and upbringing. Often things are suppressed for years, then seep out into a relationship that we wanted to last forever. By getting to the root of your being, naturally your ex partner will notice significant change and possibly crave it for himself/herself.
12. Believe! - Don’t lose hope. Couples reunite every day. Although there is no secret formula, once hope is lost you can guarantee that reconciliation will never happen. The biggest mistake a person can make when wanting to reunite with their true love, is giving up. Time heals all wounds. With patience and work from both sides a reconciliation is always possible, so keep believing.
People often split up for the wrong reasons, and seldom stay together for the right reasons. It will be important that both parties search deep within themselves during the reconciliation process and thereafter. Whether considering a reconciliation or choosing to stay separate, both parties will need to face the issues and themselves eventually.
© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from Angela Bininger and The Empowerers is strictly prohibited.